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The New Bottoming Book
By: Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy
Foreword
Why A New Edition?
Welcome to The New Bottoming Book. In the nearly ten years since we wrote the original Bottoming Book, there
has been tremendous and wonderful evolution in the culture of BDSM. More and more people have become
involved in an even wider variety of kink, and all of them are being much more vocal and communicative than ever
was the case before. And we, your authors, are proud to have been part of this evolution. So we are writing an
updated and expanded edition of our first book.
What's Changed?
S/M culture has massively emerged from the closer. There are dozens of books, endless information on the Internet,
national and international conferences publicly held in major hotels, support groups everywhere - we are no longer
the ghettoized subculture that we used to be. More people are connec ting to S/M, finding others like themselves,
and realizing that they are very much not alone with their kinky fantasies.
The Internet. The 'Net has become a major player in the BDSM scene. Along with providing lots of information
about kink and connection to like-minded people, the Internet is also exerting a major influence on the content of
BDSM. Many things are possible in virtual play that are more difficult to manifest in reality: for instance, we know
individuals who are engaged in ownership relationships with people they have never met in person. And so new
ways of playing are being devised, and participants are engaging in ever deeper explorations of the psychological
aspects of S/M, including extensive dialogue about how our fantasies can inform us about ourselves. We discuss the
'Net and its ramifications at much greater length in Chapter Four.
D&S. Over the last ten years, we have also seen rapid growth and evolution of the dominance and submission
aspect of BDSM, with extensive discussion of how the relationship dynamic between two or more persons can be
expanded, intensified and eroticized by a conscious and consensual shift in the workings of power and control.
More on this in Chapter Ten.
More of Us. Meanwhile, as the scene has become more accessible, more and more new people are joining. This
growth in population has made its own changes to the scene, and there is increased market for products and
services, which offers much more support for the teachers, artists and craftspeople of our community.
A perhaps less desirable side effect of growth in the BDSM scene is that we are seeing more separated populations
emerging. Support groups now are often targeted to very specific members: gay men, dykes, heterosexuals (with
bisexuals and transgendered folks welcome to some degree in most if not all of them), with even smaller groups for
crossdressers, fetishists and the like. While it may be nice to be able to join a support group exclusively composed
of people like yourself, we mourn the loss of diversity. When we were coming out, we learned so much from people
who were different from ourselves, and we miss the sense of a larger community and the stimulation and adventures
we encountered.
Finally, for us this growth has offered an expanded opportunity in the form of a much wider audience for our
writing. When we wrote the initial Bottoming Book, publishing in this area was so economically constrained that
we had to keep the book under 120 pages because if it got bigger than that we couldn't afford to print it. How's that
for basic? We are proud to announce that our books are now widely distributed, our publisher well established, and
we can afford to speak our minds at whatever length we choose.
Language. With the expansion of S/M and extensive public discourse, we are also evolving new language and
terminology to describe our experience. And do we all agree on what these new terms mean? Of course not! A
definition can be visualized as a way to make a fence around a word so that we can clearly distinguish what is inside
and what is outside the meaning of the word. This works great for science and mathematics, but can be a problem
when we are describing our physical, sexual and emotional experience — especially the experience between two or
more of us. (See? We can't even assume that a relationship means only two people.)
So our approach to language in this book is to assume inclusive rather than exclusive meanings for all the words we
use. Furthermore, we acknowledge more than two genders, and also chat many of us explore more than one sense of
gender. Common language usage has very few ways to denote the full range of gender expression. In the first
edition of Bottoming Book we wrote "s/he" in an attempt to include everybody. In our later books, we alternated
using he or she, mostly by paragraphs, which seemed to read more smoothly and provide interesting opportunities to
challenge gender stereotyping, so we have rearranged this edition accordingly.
On another linguistic front, here is much public discussion and dissent about what to call what we do. Variously our
perversions have been described as: BDSM, perversion, sadomasochism, S/M, dominance and submission, D/S,
bondage and discipline, B/D, leathersex, kink, erotic power exchange, fetishism, wiitwd (what it is that we do),
powerplay, shadowplay, topping and bottoming, sex magic and radical perversion. Similarly, the people who do
these things are known as: perverts, tops, bottoms, masters, mistresses, slaves, dominants, submissives, Daddies,
Mommies, pitchers, catchers, boys, bois, girls, leatherpeople, and players.
All these words have slightly different meanings, and you will definitely meet people who choose one of these terms
and not the others because that is what best describes their desire. We, however, enjoy all of these aspects of our
play, and would be very distressed to have to choose only one category. Thus, as we see it, pigeonholing limits our
experience, and we are explorative girls who always want more. So in this edition, we will use all of these terms to
describe the whole world of S/M play, except when we arefocusing on one particular aspect of play, and we will use
these terms, as we do the gender pronouns, interchangeably throughout the text.
We've Changed Too. The two of us have matured, which we hope would happen for any of you in ten years. Our
children are no longer children, our careers have ripened, our bodie s have aged.
In fact, one of us has changed so much that even her name has changed. The one of us who wrote the first
Bottoming Book as 'Catherine A. Liszt" did so under a pseudonym, because at the time she had minor children
whose boundaries she wanted to protect. Now that her children have grown 10 adulthood, "Catherine" is now
writing and publishing under her real name, Janet W. Hardy.
And we know more than we used to. So the final reason to make a new edition of The Bottoming Book is to share
with you everything new that we have learned in the last decade abou t our beloved world of BDSM.
The New Bottoming Book
By: Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy
Part One: Skills
What Kind of Player Are You, Anyway?
We think you're reading this book because something in your life - a fantasy, an experience, a partner who wants
to experiment - has led you to a desire to explore bottoming.
But what, exactly, does that mean? There are as many different ways to be a bottom as there are to be a human
being. An experience that feels intense, profound and highly erotic to you may do nothing at all for the next guy,
and vice versa. So before you begin your explorations of bottoming, it would be a good idea to get a handle on
what bottoming is, or could be, to you.
Many bottoms talk about a state of mind they call "bottom space" or "sub space," a kind of altered consciousness
in which their relationship with their own minds, with their partners, and/or with the outside world becomes in
some way different. Bottom space manifests itself in many different ways: Dossie gets very nonverbal in bottom
space, while Janet chatters like a magpie. Among bottoms we've played with,
we've been privileged to witness bottom spaces that range from docile and passive to resistant and bratty to serene
and transcendent. Some people find that they go into different bottom spaces in different kinds of scenes - the
bottom who is an obnoxious brat in a spanking scene may become a calm, centered nurturer while giving service.
We know people whose bottom space is an extension of their real-world persona — perhaps they're timid and shy
in their day-to-day lives, and they like to be "small" and receptive when they bottom. We know others whose
bottom space is exactly the opposite of what you'd expect — they're powerful and assertive in their real-life
interactions but like to experience being victims, slaves, babies or other powerless beings in their fantasy and play
lives. Some people's real-world hobbies and professions are a clue about their bottom space — Dossie likes to knit
and crochet, and loves rope — while others bottom in order to have experiences outside their ordinary existences.
So your real-life choices may or may not be a clue to what your bottom space will look like.
Some people have negative judgments about bottom spaces that don't look like the kind of bottoming they have in
their own fantasies. Unless you're considering playing with someone, they don't get to vote on your bottom space
at all. If it's someone you're playing with or would like to, then may need to give you some direction as to what
feels sexier to them (talkative Janet is fine with tops telling her that now would be a good time to shut up, thank
you very much), or some compromise may be in order. But whatever your bottom space might look like, if it feels
real to you, it is real.
What Do You Want From Bottoming? Bottoming gives us a chance to explore feelings, roles and interactions that
may not be a good fit for us in the real world. So when you bottom, you may want to experience emotions like.
loss of control, fear, passivity, forgiveness, resentment, sadness, "smallness", nurturing, being nurtured, humility,
power, shame, catharsis, competence, anger, helplessness, martyrdom, rebelliousness, objectification, victimhood,
redemption, neediness, innocence, lust, abandonment, belonging, pathos, humiliation,
You can experience these emotions while enacting variety of roles, too. Maybe you want to be a...
victim, brat, baby, saint, good girl/boy, fixer, cherished possession, object, target, scapegoat, drama queen,
captive, rebel, orphan, sex object, servant, whore, animal, sissy, pleasure slave, nothing, "proud beauty", child,
prisoner, criminal, bad girl/boy, martyr, wild thing
When Does It End? It is, unfortunately, not too rare for these roles or emotions to be so potent that we find
ourselves, consciously or unconsciously, trying to enact them in pl aces where they don't work out too well for us.
For example, you may find yourself so attached to the role of "fixer" that your need to fix things for other people
is getting in the way of getting your own needs met, or so fond of being a "bad boy" that you're alienating your
friends and coworkers.
If your chosen bottom role is turning into a script for the way you live the rest of your life, this can be a big
problem. Some people find that playing that role in the dungeon or bedroom can help make them more conscious
of the ways that they're enacting it in the outside world, thus giv ing them better boundaries for when to play the
role and when to leave it alone. Others may find that this form of erotic role-play reinforces the outside-world
behavior to an unacceptable degree, so that they may decide that this role is too risky for them to play right now
and is better explored in therapy.
For some people, the identity they feel as a bottom feels like their primary identity. They understand themselves
better as a submissive or a slave, and seek to manifest that sense of self in all aspects of their lives: they tend to
seek out relationships with dominant people in which they can live in their chosen role full-time. People living in
full-time D/S relationships have created many clever ways to satisfy the needs of healthy living in a role-defined
lifestyle: you will read more about this in Chapter 10.
On the other hand, some bottoms wish to be in role only when they playing a scene, because who they are as a
bottom is not compatible with their needs and desires in the outside world. Dossie is one of these: in her bottom
space she is very much the passive victim (when she isn't being a brat), and in the rest of her life she is an
assertive, outspoken professional.
Neither of these choices, nor any of the gradations between, is inherently more "real" or more valuable than any
other: your success will depend on your ability to make your choice work, and your willingness to work hard at it.
Either way, it can be very illuminating to examine why we choose the roles we do, what turns us on about them
and why this particular role is so very very hot for us.
The "Full-Power Bottom"
When we bottom we feel fabulously powerful. This is the experience of most bottoms we know, and it is in
complete contradiction to the popular stereotype of a bottom.
How can bottoming make us powerful? Here is Dossie's description of how she gains power from a flogging:
When I'm being flogged, early on I often come to a place where I need to stretch to take in the intense sensation,
where 1 struggle and wonder if I can take it at all. That struggle seems to make me stronger and soon I feel intense
energy running through me, as if all the force with which the whip is thrown at me is injected into me — becomes
my energy to play with. While my tops throw the whips at me as hard as they can, I take in their power and dance
in the center of the storm.
Standard mythology would have you believe that a bottom is a passive, disempowered, self-destructive, needy,
whining wimp. We hope you will refrain from believing these things about yourself. We suggest that you see
yourself as a full-power bottom.
Are You Really Powerless? Most of us in our everyday lives struggle constantly with power, striving to empower
ourselves, and to protect ourselves from being overpowered. We are always working to find, increase and express
our power.
In S/M, in contrast, we play with power for the fun of it - pulling its fangs to turn it into an exciting, erotic
experience instead of a serious high-stakes struggle.
S/M has been described as "power games for fun rather than profit." Playing with power offers not only a relief
from the tedious battle for power we're stuck with in the so-called "real" world, but also a way to learn and explore
by trying out new and different experiences of power and powerlessn ess.
In order to play with power safely, it helps to understand the conc ept of "power-with" as differentiated from
"power-over." Most of our culture's systems run on power-over, with sexism, racism and militarism being some
ugly examples.
Power-over means that a person sees his or her power as the ability to control others, and thus always sees this
power as relative, either greater or lesser than other people's power. People who operate on power-over see the
world as a series of hierarchies which rhey must ascend. Power-over social structures tend to keep people
struggling in a position of constant insecurity, as there are alway s people with more power in some arena or other.
An extreme example of the sexual mythology of power-over can be seen in prison sex, where the person who
penetrates is believed to gain power, while the person who gets penetrated is believed to lose power and become
degraded. Similarly, in traditional sex roles, many people believe that the man's ability to penetrate confers power,
while the woman who gets penetrated is seen as losing power. (Janet's reaction when confronted with this belief:
"Oh, you mean like when an electrical plug penetrates a wall socket?...")
The mechanism of power-over lies in the belief that I can increase my power by taking some of yours. The way I
get to feel big is to make you feel small, and the way I get to feel secure is to make you feel insecure. (Sound like
anybody you know? Janet says it sounds like her ex-boss.) Power-ove r is achieved by belittling others.
The sad thing about power-over is that it doesn't work. I cannot build a solid foundation of internal security,
self-esteem and empowerment by stealing yours.
Power-with is based on the idea that we can all become more powerful by supporting each other in being more
powerful. We, your authors, like this idea. We are eroticized to power, so we want you to be powerful because
that turns us on, and we want to play with your power. We want you to be turned on to our power too: after all, it
doesn't take much of a top to take down a wimp.
Do You Really Have No Choice? The truth is that you are always making choices, whether you admit it or not.
Just as no one can actually magically steal your power, your power is always with you whether you want it or not.
As a bottom, it can be very sexy to believe that you have no choices. "Poor me! Forced to endure all this intense
sensation, turned on against my will!" To keep this fantasy hot and safe, it is important that we understand that it
is a fantasy, and if it is not hot any more, or safe, or feeling okay, then we do have a choice. We can stop the
scene, we can ask for something different, we can tell our playmate about the problem we are having. In a
worst-case scenario, we can choose a different playmate.
Dossie remembers a scene that strongly highlighted the contrast between fantasy and reality:
The fantasy was that I was tied in the tyrant's bed, available to be fucked at any time against my will. My friend
the tyrant indeed did wake me up at four in the morning, as per my request, and fucked me. The problem was, I
was exhausted and quite sore from earlier activities, and could not get turned on. I kept turning my mind back to
the fantasy of nonconsent, frantically hunting for my turn-on somewhere in there. But this time, in my sleepy
state, I convinced myself that I really had no choice, and that this was nonconsensual (all this time my poor friend
is dutifully plugging away) and I became genuinely scared. My perceptive tyrant figured out that something was
wrong and stopped, and comforted me with good grace, and was also very gracious about not completing the fuck
till morning. I got very embarrassed, and got to learn yet one more time that even the hottest fantasy may not play
as well in reality as it does in my mind.
Are You Really Passive? We never have liked that word passive — we prefer to think of bottoming as "receptive."
Bottoms as a class are not a passive lot in their lives, as you could see at any social event where you would find
out that borroms might be lawyers, doctors, therapists, corporate executives, police officers, entrepreneurs and
other high-powered types. Many of the support groups and organizati ons in the S/M community in San Francisco
and elsewhere were founded and are run by bottoms.
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